


Time to Change Time to Let Go

by wolfdragonful



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Pre-Bloodlines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfdragonful/pseuds/wolfdragonful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nightwing's having some issues about Kaldur, Red Arrow, and Tula's death. Canon Divergent, OOC, three shot, before Bloodlines.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my FanFiction.net account.

_"I had not believed Nightwing until this moment."_

_"You did not want to believe!"_

_"None of us wanted to believe this! How could you betray us?"_

_"You dare question me? After all of you let Tula die!"_

_"Kaldur, that was a mission! Aquagirl knew the risks, no one wanted…"_

_"Neptune's beard! Don't coddle this traitor!"_

Nightwing shocked himself awake; the sound of his former friend's angered voice echoing painfully in his ears. As usual, his stomach twisted at the memory of his friend glaring at him like he'd been the one to kill Tula. He'd been there sure but…he couldn't have done anything to save her. He couldn't do anything. He hated that he couldn't do anything but…he couldn't.

He ran a hand through his hair, glaring at the wall of his dorm in the Mount. He'd been staying here more often than usual since the situation with the Kroloteans, Kaldur, and his father Black Manta. The six Leaguers who'd been – basically – court martialed were still dealing with that issue and so the League was six short. Nightwing couldn't even talk to his own mentor because of it which made him feel like he was…lacking something.

Even Roy's disappointed expression made his insides twist and knot up. He'd tried to make the point that the Light had most likely killed the original Roy Harper – as was Cadmus policy – once he was deemed no longer useful. The only reason they hadn't done that with Superman was because he was still useful apparently – Connor had been meant as a replacement after all.

An alarm went off then, and Nightwing shoved himself to his feet, throwing on his shirt as he went, placing his mask on his face as soon as he tugged it down over his scarred torso.

"What's happened?" he asked as he strode into the main hall area. He was mostly alone save for Connor, Red Tornado, and Wonder Girl. "Kaldur," Connor growled angrily as he glared at the holographic screens that showed Kaldur moving through a crowd of Black Manta's men, giving orders.

"There are at least two hostages," Red Tornado stated. "The rest of the team is busy with its own duties which leaves only the four of us." He turned to look at them, the worry tangible from him even though he wasn't human. "I do not think it will be enough."

Nightwing didn't think it'd be enough either. Wonder Girl seemed to share the same feelings while Connor simply glared.

"I think we'll be fine," Connor growled. "We've got two people with super strength, one person with power over wind, and the best hacker I've ever met before. Kaldur won't know what hit him."

"Connor," Wonder Girl said warily. "Did you forget he's fought besides at least three of us before? I think he'll know and that we'll need more fire power than this to take him and those goons he's got under his wing."

Connor growled in frustration, Wolf nudging his elbow caringly. He patted the genetically modified canine's head and then sent Wonder Girl another glare.

"We'd be taking Sphere and Wolf with us either way; that's even better chances of winning right?" he countered.

She shook her head. "I'd prefer we had at least the Team up against him. I don't like his numbers against ours either way but at least with the full team, we'd have a real chance."

"Real chance," Connor groused. "While you wait for that real chance, he'll be getting away!" He stormed out then, in his usual way, Wolf scampering after him. Wonder Girl simply watched him go with a sad look on her face. Red Tornado didn't make a sound as he returned to his usual post at the monitors.

Nightwing followed him down to the garage where Sphere had already turned into the Supercycle, Connor and Wolf Climbing into their appointed seats. He leapt up and landed in the back seat, a determined look on his face.

"What're you doing?" Connor asked a bit shocked.

"Coming with you."

"Why?"

"Don't sound so suspicious. I'm coming with and you're just going to have to put up with it."

The cycle chirped as it wrapped a harness around Nightwing's body, strapping him in tightly as if she agreed with him. Connor gave him a disagreeing look but took his seat none the less.

The ride was oddly quick but it was long enough for Nightwing to wallow in his memories. Kaldur's enraged and saddened face when he learned of her death after he'd come back from a mission. Nightwing's side still ached at the memory of learning she hadn't made it out, that Kaldur had been away on a mission and would have to learn only after he came back. It ached because of an injury he'd sustained during that mission.

"We're almost there," Superboy yelled over his shoulder. Nightwing nodded, his hand gripping the safety harness like it was a good luck charm. His other hand strayed to his right side and gripped it in a worried grip.

"We should land as silently as possible," he called over the roar of the cycle. Superboy nodded and maneuvered the cycle into a clearing that wasn't too far from where they'd have to get to. Nightwing could see the warehouse just over the tree tops as he hopped out of the cycle. Wolf yipped as he and Superboy leapt out, the Sphere changing back to her usual shape.

"Let's go," Superboy urged. "Who knows what he'll leave behind this time."

Nightwing nodded sadly as he disappeared into the brush. Superboy was quieter than he used to be, his footfalls soft and barely audible as they moved through the trees. Wolf was nearly silent as well, Sphere carefully maneuvering through the broken branches in her bug form. Two minutes and they were there, Black Manta's men carefully circling the warehouse, weapons ready. Nightwing moved first, disappearing from shadow to shadow, knocking out every man in his way. Superboy did the same thing, only with a bit more force than Nightwing had used.

"Wasn't that a little much?" Nightwing asked as Connor finished tossing one into a tree. He'd be out cold for a while that was for certain.

"Not really," Superboy retorted. "I'm going to do much worse to Kaldur." He slammed a fist into the other palm and cracked his knuckles with a mean look on his hard face. Nightwing felt that ache in his side again.

"Remember, he's a friend…"

"He _was_ a friend," Superboy spat. "He's chosen his side."

"We said the same thing about Cheshire," Nightwing warned. "We said she'd fall back to crime…she did…now, we have no idea what she's up to anymore."

"Probably the same as ever," Superboy growled as he moved for the building. "People don't really change after all."

 _And yet, here we are…attacking a former friend who hates us because the girl he loved is dead from a Team mission_ , Nightwing thought bitterly. He followed anyway; there was no point in letting Superboy get himself into an unwinnable fight without a bit of back up – Superman wouldn't be happy if his little brother was killed or hurt while he was gone. Besides, he didn't think he could stand to lose another teammate or friend.

It took what seemed like forever to get to the hostages. There were goons everywhere and all of them were well trained. They had their work cut out for them when they moved through them, Wolf ripping at them, Sphere and Connor bashing them away, and Nightwing gracefully maneuvering them away with kicks and jabs.

"It's alright," Nightwing soothed as he cut them free. "Superboy…" He was gone, Wolf off with him. Nightwing frowned in irritation as Sphere bumped him before turning into the Supercycle again. "Get in," he commanded, nearly tossing the hostages into the cycle as he did. They did as he commanded, Sphere racing off to get them to safety.

 _Superboy_ , he thought irritated as he stormed through the maze-like building. What was it about Connor that made it easy for him to find trouble? It couldn't be simply because he was a Super. No…that couldn't be the only reason.

There was a ringing crash followed by a harsh cry of pain on his left; he ran towards it as a battle roar reached his ears. Kaldur…Connor….A wolf-like growl echoed through the building only to be followed by a pained yelp and another crash.

"Kaldur'am!" Nightwing yelled as he burst into the room. He barely had time to duck when the Atlantean shot a red beam at him. He summersaulted to his feet, tossed a few bird-a-rangs, and charged to Superboy's side.

Superboy sat up from the impacted wall he was lying in and on, a hand rubbing his head as he scowled towards Kaldur who was swiping away the weapons Nightwing had tossed at him with ease. He barely spotted Nightwing racing to him when another blinding shot came from Kaldur's helmet.

"Nightwing!" he cried when his friend disappeared from view, the wall exploding out from behind where he'd been. He spotted him a few seconds later after hearing him yelp out as he was flung headlong towards another set of equipment. Connor heard bones crunch as they came into contact with unrelenting steel and iron and he winced.

Wolf barked as he leapt up from where he'd fallen, shooting himself to Nightwing's side to stand there like a guard. Superboy shot from his place to slam his fist into Kaldur's helmet, relishing as he felt the metal try to give form its clasps. He also relished the sound of a pained grunt coming from his traitorous friend.

Nightwing pushed himself up and tossed a rope with weighted balls towards Kaldur. As it wrapped around his torso and arms, Nightwing pushed himself to his feet, wincing as his jarred ribs protested. Wolf whined and gently nudged his arm before they heard another roar of rage come from Kaldur as he managed to rip the titanium rope to shreds. Nightwing wanted to curse but all he could do was stare as Kaldur flung Superboy away from him.

Wolf growled again and charged before Nightwing could grab his scruff. Nightwing managed a cry for Wolf to stop but the canine was already leaping for Kaldur's throat. Kaldur managed to swat him away, a steel pipe bending as his body made contact.

"Admirable," Kaldur growled as he stalked towards Nightwing. "Come to stop me or did you come to talk again?" He unsheathed a water sword and charged.

Two seconds; his escrima sticks were out and he fell into a defensive position Six seconds; he's blocking Kaldur's first attack, the solidified water ringing off the metal. Ten seconds; he's trying to block, trying to counter, trying to do something…Kaldur keeps coming at him. Twelve seconds; Kaldur catches his side with the sword, slicing away his uniform as he swerves away from the hit. A scar is revealed, Kaldur's eyes give it a questioning look; Nightwing takes the opportunity to drop kick him away.

"Nice hit," Superboy grumbles as he lifts Wolf to his feet.

"Not over yet," he says softly as Kaldur lifts himself back to his feet.

"For once, I can agree with you," Kaldur snarled as he brandished the other sword. Superboy gritted his teeth as Kaldur charged again and shot to stand in front of Nightwing. It didn't stop Kaldur though; he just focused his attack on the larger boy as Nightwing flipped out of the way and began searching for a way to stop this from escalating further.

 _Hard to do when you can't find a switch…wait…there it is_ , he thought before tossing a weapon to switch the warehouse systems on. Gears whirred as the packing plant roared to life. Superboy managed to miss getting hit moving equipment whilst leading Kaldur into some of it. Kaldur was naturally blocked or foiled as Superboy maneuvered deeper into the fray of moving parts. Nightwing could hear Sphere chirping near where Wolf was leaning heavily against a wall.

"Superboy! It's time to go!" he yelled watching as Kaldur's sword embedded itself into a mechanical arm and he was tossed free and clear of Superboy.

"What? You can't be serious!"

"I am! Move!"

Superboy muttered a curse but did as he was ordered – thankfully – and moved towards Sphere and Wolf. Sphere changed into cycle form, Superboy helping Wolf into his seat before leaping to the controls.

"Nightwing?" Superboy called over the noise, glancing to the empty back seat. "Nightwing!"

"Get out of here Superboy!" Nightwing yelled as he dodged an attack from Kaldur. He heard the cycle rev, saw the flash in Connor's eyes. "Wolf needs attention; get out of here! I'll be fine!"

"You'll be anything but fine when I'm done with you!" Kaldur roared, his sword finally catching skin as it slid down Nightwing's chest.

"Nightwing!" Superboy cried out as Nightwing yelped.

Nightwing leapt back, flipping in the air until he came to a landing. He pulled something from his belt, pressed a button, and tossed it towards Kaldur.

"Get out of here!" he commanded to Superboy. Sphere listened and raced off with the young Kryptonian and Wolf as Kaldur realized what Nightwing had thrown at him and raced for cover.

Nightwing dove out of a window, gulping in air as he prepared to hit the water. The plastique he'd thrown went off, toppling his dive into a free fall, his body slamming into the water hard.

* * *

"Wow…look who joined the world of the living again," a snide voice chuckled over him. It dropped to a stage whisper to say, "Roy! He's awake!"

_Roy?_

A baby was crying.

_Baby?_

"So's Lian," Roy's unmistakable voice groaned, the baby's cries getting louder as his grew in volume as well. They were getting closer. That much he could tell.

"Oh," the first voice, female, crooned. "I'll take her. You find out what your friend was doing in the bay." He heard her fall into a lullaby, her voice deep and oddly soothing, as hands fell on his bare shoulders – where's my shirt? – and pulled him into a sitting position. One of those hands slid over what sounded like fresh bandaging.

"How do you feel?" Roy asked as Nightwing's vision began to finally clear.

"Like…I hit the water at terminal velocity," Nightwing groused. He glanced over to the woman only to feel his body stiffen. Roy laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "What's Cheshire doing in your…" he started to look around and he grimaced. "Tell me you don't actually live here; this place looks like it was condemned."

"It's actually looking a lot better as of late," Cheshire groused as she rocked the little bundle in her arms. "As much as Lian needs her father, she also needs a safe, clean place to stay – so I've had him fix up the place."

"Father?" Nightwing breathed as he stared at his blushing friend. He'd shaved, his hair was combed, and he looked like his lack of sleep was from a more meaningful purpose now.

"Yeah…" Roy confirmed. "Jade…Can you give us a bit?"

"Fine," she sniffed with a dismissive shrug before waltzing off into another room, singing to their little girl. Nightwing wanted to ask if he'd gotten the child tested to be sure but…Roy was already angry enough with him as it was.

"What were you doing in California?" Roy asked.

"Kaldur…hostages…" Nightwing managed as he tried to sit straighter, his ribs protesting. He lifted a hand to his face and almost sighed with tangible relief that his mask was in place. "Did…Jade…look?"

"No…I made her swear not to. For once, she listened to me."

Nightwing hoped he was right about that. He would have some serious repercussions when he was found let alone when Batman came back.

"Surprised that I didn't see one of the other bat-family members with you though…Could have sworn I'd seen Superboy screaming at that cycle of his to go back before the place blew too…"

"We were shorthanded…Wonder Girl and Red Tornado didn't really want to get involved."

"Don't blame them…I don't even want to get involved with him since he turned that particular bend," Roy muttered as he shifted to check Nightwing's bandages. "Those swords are pretty good…didn't think they could do this sort of damage until you fell into the bay."

His eyes fell to Nightwing's side, brow furrowing in confusion and worry. Nightwing placed a hand over the star shaped scar.

"Where's that from?" Roy asked earnestly. It was the most earnest tone Nightwing had ever heard from him in the past five years and it hurt to hear it.

"I should be asking if it's just the little girl that woke you up…"

"Not really…Jade and I have once more lead…I have to try to exorcise this ghost apparently." He gave a wry smile. Nightwing couldn't find himself able to reciprocate.

_He's still looking despite everything…Kaldur tried to kill me…My side hurts…_

"How long have I been out?" he asked.

"A couple days…"

"Did you at least radio the Team to keep them from wasting man power searching for me?"

"…No?"

"Great…Just great…This is definitely a disaster."

"Hey…I haven't heard anything of Superman on the news lately…or Batman…there's four others who've stopped showing up too."

“We figured out what happened during those sixteen hours…they've been court martialed for it too…we're fixing it."

"Right…like you fixed the thing with Roy Harper."

Silence.

"Hey! You shouldn't be standing up!"

"Where's my shirt?"

"Nightwing please! Sit down!"

"Where's my shirt Roy?"

"You'll open your wounds!"

"What is he doing?" Jade screeched as she came into the room. "Sit down Nightwing!"

"WHERE'S MY SHIRT?"

"Why?" Jade and Roy chorused.

"I want it; so I can leave."

"You can't leave yet!" Jade growled. "You're still injured!"

"You're reopening your wounds as we speak!" Roy yelled.

"Speak…right…Where is it?"

Roy came up with another weak argument as Jade's face fell into an expression of sudden understanding, and sad acceptance. She disappeared for a moment only to return with Nightwing's shirt that had blood staining the blue bird on its chest.

"Jade!"

"Hush, or you'll wake Lian," she hissed as she held up the shirt. Nightwing took it from her hand as gently as he could manage and yanked it over his shoulders and head. He ignored the pain his shoulder sent him, the screams his ribs gave, and the sting the star shaped scar on his right side poked at him for thinking of painful thoughts.

"I'm leaving," he announced easily as if he were the older one. In some technicality, he was older than Roy…what with the whole having been a clone thing – it made him tons older than Superboy who was about to turn six or seven in technical terms.

"Nightwing," Roy tried to plead.

"No…I'm done…You go ahead and look for someone who'd more than likely dead. You and Kaldur just go ahead and live your lives…Do me the favor of trying to steer clear of mine!"

He was at the window when he heard Jade whisper "Let him go" to Roy. His heart stung as he launched a line out to another building and swung away. He forced himself to not look back.

* * *

Everyone had been worried about him.

Canary damn near ripped his head off with her chastising. Red Tornado gave him a blank toned line or two that could basically be summed up as "You should have thought that through more carefully." Batgirl and Robin were the ones who did the most shielding of comments and looks but they'd had their own punches they hadn't bothered to pull. He'd gotten back to the Bat-Cave to be given a whack to the head and new stitches and a good glare from Alfred.

In the end though, they'd all ended up saying they were happy he was alright; that he was alive.

"How's the sword wound?" Connor asked gently as he leaned against Nightwing's dorm room door. He'd been the last to ever voice anything about that night – Wolf bumping his elbows sooner and Sphere chirping as it scanned him over first – but it felt good to know that he was going to say something.

"Fine," he said with a grin.

"Is it?"

"Yes…why do you ask; other than you're supposed to ask as a teammate who was there but wasn't able to do anything due to circumstances."

"What? I'm not allowed to worry over you since I'm partially to blame for you getting injured?"

"Kaldur was the one who injured me…not you…"

"I talked you into going didn't I?"

"No…I talked myself into going. I wanted to talk to Kaldur again but…Well it was obviously not going to happen."

They were silent for a moment before Connor finally spoke again.

"You look like you're giving up on him."

"…I think I am."

Connor looked shocked. "Really?"

Nightwing found himself nodding, his hand falling to his right side again – a new habit; he touched painful wounds as if he still had to close them.

"Wow…I didn't think it was possible."

"I'm giving up on Roy too."

That earned him a blink. "What?"

"They've chosen their lives…I'm done meddling. I'm done having pain from friends I want to help but won't be able to no matter how hard I try… It's not like I can do very much anyway…not as a human."

"Suddenly I want to hit you through the wall," Connor growled, suddenly looming over Nightwing's seated form. Nightwing looked at him blankly past his sunglasses.

"Why?"

"Because you're acting like…like you've quit! Like you can't do this anymore so the only way out is to stop caring about anything."

Nightwing frowned. "I'm just saying I'm going to let those two live their lives. That's all."

"Then you rounded it off with the whole, 'I'm just human; what am I worth?' crap."

"Says the kid who can punch through walls."

"Compared to the one who can do multiple flips in midair, hack into the most secure computers known to man, and has more languages in his head than I do? Yeah, I do say."

"Whatever," Nightwing scoffed as he turned away to focus on his school stuff. Eighteen, valedictorian hopeful, caring a 4.0 in an AP loaded schedule, and fighting crime for a living wasn't exactly the easiest thing to do. He managed it though.

"Nightwing…You can't be serious…I thought you wanted to talk Kaldur back into the team the way you all tried to talk Roy into it five years ago…not to mention now."

"Roy only wants to find the original Roy Harper and Kaldur just wants us all to go to hell. Why should I bother Connor?"

"Because they're your friends?"

"Kaldur's made it abundantly clear how much he hates us…You feel the same about him…"

"I want to knock sense into him more than I want to trash him. I just don't have as much patience as you do…let alone the confidence that he'd listen to me."

“So, again, why the hell should I bother?"

"Because that's what you do…you and Batman are the ones who give a damn about people even when you don't think you should. I would never have been given a real chance had it not been for Batman and you…You're the one who's going to have to make the final decision either way…You're the leader of the Team now."

"Don't remind me."

"No…I'm going to remind you for as long as it takes to get you out of this thought process. When you snap back to the way you usually are, then I'll quit. Start this back up again, I'll start all over again. Don't forget that."

The door hissed closed again and Nightwing found himself alone with his thoughts.

Alone with his memories.

_"Aquagirl…no…leave it…"_

_"What happened?"_

_"There was a blast; he fell on a rebar. You must get him to a doctor; now!"_

_"What about-?"_

_"I'll take care of it! Just go!"_

_"Aquagirl…"_

_"Trust me Nightwing; I'll be fine."_

_Blinding lights, a pain filled side, and painkillers._

_“Where is Tula?" He sounded so hopeful._

_"She…she didn't make it out…"_

_"What?"_

_"She's gone…I'm so sorry Kaldur."_

_"Don't touch me!"_

_"I'm sorry Kaldur…There was…nothing…we could-."_

_"You let her die!"_

He swiped his arm over his desk, pencils, pens, paper, and books going everywhere. He gritted his teeth to hold back the cry of anguish the memory dragged with it. He didn't want Connor to hear him…Not if all he was going to do was remind him he'd have to buck up sooner or later for the Team. Not if all he had to say was he was better than this and shouldn't be wallowing in memories.

Not when the scar from the rebar hurt so badly.


	2. Chapter 2

Blue was talking about a friend of his disappearing again, worry dripping from his voice. Wonder Girl was telling him – reminding him really – about what they'd seen in Bialya – all the missing kids they'd returned. His friend wasn't among them though. Also…there were still a few other missing kids that had yet to be accounted for; Nightwing was fairly sure he knew where they were though as he half-listened.

 _They're gone_ , he thought a bit bitter about how his team was still behind the enemy. He'd cheered the girls of Alpha Team up mainly because he'd known he would have to. The whole idea of going in to find one thing only to find something else was strangely common with this team, he'd noticed. He was tired of it though.

He wanted answers. He wanted them now.

He wanted Batman and the others back from their court martial hearings so he could at least talk to someone who could – would – be of some help. Given, Bruce would probably come back and end up telling them to 'Do it better' when he found out how very little they'd actually learned.

Connor was watching him again, blue eyes flashing with something as he listened to Blue – when had they bonded exactly? Nightwing decided it was best to give up wondering that. He wasn't really bothering to pay very much attention to how his team was bonding or not. It kind of went along with wanting to not meddling anymore.

He was letting them live their lives now…that's all. He wasn't going to get involved any more than giving simple advice or orders. Really, what else was he supposed to do now that he was Team leader? He was busy corresponding with the other League members on a daily basis, he still had school – he was aiming for college – and then there was the Team's training schedules to keep up with as well as the whole 'saving the world' bullshit they'd thrown their lives into doing.

Sometimes he resented learning about who Bruce was – is – and what that knowledge had done to his own life.

He resented Zucco for killing his family but knew he'd been right in just letting him be arrested.

He resented the fact that he was being forced by some damned farce known as Fate to fight a good friend because Fate had seen fit to fuck with them.

He resented the fact that Roy – another good friend – was searching for a ghost, his wife – Cheshire of all people – helping him exorcise aforementioned ghost.

He resented Cadmus for making the ghost, for making an evil version of Connor, for trying to kill him and his two friends at one point, and for making his life difficult to say the very least.

He resented a lot of things and a lot of people right now and he wasn't completely sure if he had any real justification for it. After all, most of it was something he'd come to expect as a superhero. No one liked them because they made things difficult for the criminals and dregs of society. Hell, no one liked them because of their whole bypassing the law to get things done.

Heroes…not all of them were very likable people.

They weren't real law enforcement so there was no real respect in that trade. The ones with powers were some of the most terrifying people on the planet – or in the universe depending on who you were. Ones without powers weren't really looked up to unless they made a real difference like Green Arrow and Batman – and even Batman was seen as a criminal vigilante for a while there.

Heroes…they were part of a nasty cycle.

Someone feels wronged, wants to change something. They do…and they cause ripples that grow and cause others to retaliate. Batman wanted to clean up Gotham…he started doing it, petty criminals disappearing left and right until bigger, badder, more insane men and women started showing up. Suddenly, there was a buffer for the small timers while well trained thieves and cackling madmen distracted the great Batman.

_I started because I wanted revenge for my parents' deaths, for the harm that came to my family, Nightwing thought. Kaldur started after helping his king defeat an enemy and being offered a place by his side as a protégé. What was Speedy's purpose? Why'd he start this life up?_

Things had been quiet for the past month or so…Nightwing found it unhelpful though. Quiet meant he was alone with thoughts and memories. Lately…the star shaped scar on his side had begun to hurt more often than not. It wasn't all his fault though; he'd been stuck thinking about Kaldur and Roy for the past month because Connor's burning eyes only reminded him of them and why he was stuck thinking this way.

"Team! Time for dinner!" M'Gann chimed from the kitchen. Nightwing watched as the others moved towards the dining table that had grown over the past five years what with the growth of the team. He joined last, not really caring that he probably should have been at home in Gotham with Tim and Alfred who were probably done with dinner by now and moving on to the usual nightly routines.

Nightly routines. He needed some of those right now. Something to take this edge off. Something to distract him. Something…normal and trustworthy.

Dinner went by quickly enough, Nightwing managing to not bolt his food so he could change into his uniform and head off to Gotham for a roof top run – or seven. He didn't really listen to the others speaking, Blue dismissing himself early so he could go home, M'Gann getting Garfield to bed, the others scattering more or less uniformly after that. He left easily enough, in uniform, Connor's eyes flashing at him.

Normal nightly routines…much easier said than done. There's a sign that he's in trouble and naturally, he barrels in to check it out. He's alone because Batgirl and Robin are on their own side of town. He didn't mind being alone…though, it seemed to be getting dangerous to do so lately what with his fucked up memories.

Petty criminals…simple thieves…he could deal with them easily. They were never a real problem. Sneak into a shadow, say something to the effect of saying 'boo, I see you' and then slam them into a countertop, tie them up, and leave. He was done in what felt like seconds, the grappling line lifting him to a roof top.

"Damn…If only Red would keep up with his training," a smooth contralto voice chuckled.

"Cheshire," Nightwing snarled, escrima stick at hand and ready for an attack.

She laughed, her mask hiding her face and distorting her voice a bit. He let his knees bend as his shoulders tensed, his hands gripping the stick in a white knuckle hold. Thank god for the black gloves on his hands.

"Oh calm down," Cheshire sighed with a dismissive wave.

"Where's your husband?"

"Babysitting."

"Why're you here?"

"Wanted to talk to you…Wanted to assure you that this ghost is going to get exorcised one way or another. I'm planning on making sure of that."

"Whatever; get out of Gotham before I kick you out."

"Considering the fact that you've kept up with taking care of yourself, I may actually take that threat seriously." He could hear her smirking before she leapt from her perch and flipped into a landing in front of him. He fell deeper into a defendable position.

"Get away from me Cheshire," he warned.

"I didn't come to fight," she said. "Let me just talk."

"Don't want to hear it." She lifted the mask up to reveal her face was still in that sad, accepting, understanding expression. He could feel her pity for him rolling off her in waves. He didn't really want pity at that moment.

"You're fighting a demon too," she said softly. "Just like Roy."

His eyes bugged for a moment, his grip on the escrima stick loosening for a moment before he shook himself and lunged at her. Her brown eyes widened in surprise before she dodged, leaping into the air like a bird. It wasn't a bad spar in retrospect; she was good, well trained, well-practiced, and very attentive to her opponent. He hit her as many times as she hit him. They blocked each other and missed each other equal amounts. However, she managed to slam him into a wall hard enough to make his ribs yell 'stop' and she disappeared.

Typical.

Just like smoke…just like Kaldur…just like Speedy…just like the ones who'd gone to fix what'd happened five years ago. Everyone around him seemed hell bent on disappearing like smoke.

No one lived forever and no one stayed around for forever.

Everyone moved around. Time never stopped. Never could stop it.

"Leave me alone."

* * *

Crashes. Banging. Thuds. Ringing pain.

Catwoman was good; real good. However, she was hardly a problem at the moment. The scratches she'd given Nightwing a few nights before were though.

Bane was pretty huge and for his size, he was fast. He wasn't alone either, his usual little goons running about. Bane was slamming Wonder Girl and Superboy away like they were rag dolls as Nightwing pulled himself out of rubble – again. Robin and Batgirl were pulling themselves out of rubble as well, hands at their heads. Miss Martian was floating about invisibly while Beast Boy ducked about, nipping at Bane's ankles.

"Stupid _perro_ ," Bane growled before kicking Beast Boy away. The green dog yelped in pain, soaring through the air until Robin caught him. The two crashed into a set of containers, wood exploding everywhere. Nightwing heard Miss Martian shoot towards Bane more than he actually saw her.

Typical.

Telepathic and she couldn't think before acting – not that he was one to talk.

She was tossed aside like a rag doll too; Nightwing was ready for the opening. He tossed a sharp edged bird-a-rang, happily cutting the tube of venom into two parts. Venom spewed everywhere as Bane cried out as if he'd been tortured. Miss Martian let her hood fall to her shoulders, her eyes wide in slight horror, Robin was frowning, Batgirl doing the same, Superboy and Beast Boy looked slightly sick as Bane fell to his knees screaming.

Nightwing was standing next to him.

"It's over Bane," he growled.

Bane glared at him and tried to lunge. A swift kick to the jaw sent him reeling. He tried again only to receive a punch. He fell back.

"Stay down Bane," Nightwing commanded. Another glare and the electric brass knuckles were on in seconds.

Charge. Swing. A cry of pain as lighting lit up the massive body. A growl. Another swing. Another scream of pain. He wanted to hit him again. He wanted to hit Bane as hard as he could. Pretend he was Superman and be able to do real damage.

"Nightwing, stop!" Connor yelled, a strong arm wrapping around Nightwing's body as he pulled him back, away from a very much unconscious and twitching Bane. Robin and Batgirl were staring at him in horror, Miss Martian and Beast Boy doing the same only with more of a wary overtone. Connor was giving him a confused horrified look.

He'd over stepped a boundary.

He knew that much. Connor had pulled him back from an edge.

"What were you trying to do Nightwing?" Connor yelled.

"Knock him out," Nightwing muttered. "It worked now let go of me."

"It looked like you were trying to kill him!"

"He wouldn't think twice of doing it to one of us!" It wasn't much of a lie. Bane had tried to kill Batman on multiple occasions. Most of the people they fought would prefer them dead rather than running around and messing up their plans. He'd been thrown off more roof tops than he could count.

"We're not him!"

Nightwing gave him a glare. "You've made your point Superboy. Now let go of me."

"Superboy come on," Robin said. "We all need to cool down a bit; that's all."

"A bit? Try a lot! He could have killed him!" M'Gann cried, her hands gripping Gar's shoulders protectively. The boy looked at his adopted sister and then to Nightwing. He saw his fear and felt a shudder run through his spine.

"Just let go of me," he muttered again. Connor glared at him but did as he asked, a small shove added to the release. Nightwing's feet stumbled a bit but he recovered. Stowing the knuckles, he watched as Batgirl and Robin managed to calm the other three down a bit, telling them the past week had been hard on them in Gotham and they were a bit stressed.

His grappling hook hissed as he fired it.

He was beyond a bit stressed. Tula's funeral was playing on a never ending loop in his head. Kaldur's betrayal and pained face followed that every so often. Then there was Roy's face, so empty, his tone saying he too had given up.

_"I'm just a cheap knock off."_

_"You're the only Roy we know!"_

He barely managed a landing, grunting as he hit the roof top a little harder than he'd planned. Who was he kidding; he'd hit it harder than he'd hoped he would.

_"You used to treat your body like a temple."_

_"My body's no temple."_

Nightwing was fairly sure it'd been Roy who'd said that…Why'd it sound like _he_ was being judged then?

_"I'm in the best shape of my life."_

_"Really?" A few disappointing seconds later. "That was me holding back; way back."_

Nightwing pushed himself to his feet and began to work his way back home. He needed to sleep and he needed to sleep badly. Maybe he'd wake up in the right sleep cycle this time and feel refreshed.

Fat chance.

* * *

The remaining Leaguers were all giving him worried looks lately. It bugged him. He'd been stressed, he'd said. He hadn't been sleeping well, he'd said. He wasn't going to be feeling better if they kept staring at him like he was going to explode at any time was what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell them all to fuck off.

He couldn't though. That'd just make them all stare at him with more worry. They'd even try to talk to him more often. Canary would try to tell him everything was alright, that he could talk to anyone. No…actually, he couldn't talk to just anyone. He wanted to talk to Batman but he was halfway across the galaxy in a court martial for being a suspected intergalactic terrorist.

He didn't really want to talk to anyone else about how he felt, why his side seemed to hurt all the time, why he actually felt like letting Batman's iron fisted rule book go flying out the fucking window of the jet. He didn't want to reveal how he felt about things or events. He actually had a feeling he didn't want anyone thinking he was a complete idiot who was letting his feelings, his emotions, get the better of him.

He could almost hear the Joker laughing at him now.

"These scratches are looking a bit better," Robin managed to say as he put on new bandages.

They were in the med-bay of the Cave and they were making sure that Catwoman's scratches weren't getting infected or widened from the job – Nightwing had refused to miss out on usual patrols for a few scratches.

"Good," Nightwing murmured, his tone oddly gentle as he pulled on his shirt, the blue bird on his chest making him suddenly proud he was no longer the _Boy_ Wonder. It was a freeing concept to not be called a boy anymore.

He had no idea when he started hating being called a boy but he did now. It seemed demeaning now that he'd reached his late teens, that he was almost as tall as Batman. Maybe it was partly to blame on the fact that he was still the one with the most training in the team, he was nearly twenty, and that he was being trained by the best damned detective in the world.

"They're not infected or anything which is good…they're going to close up soon too by the looks of it."

"Thank you Robin," he sighed with a bit more of an edge to his voice. Robin blinked and gave him a worried look. "Sorry…I…Haven't been sleeping very well – again."

Robin frowned. "I noticed; you talk in your sleep…loudly."

Nightwing glared but finished settling his shirt and making sure his mask was completely on before leaving the room. He had training sessions today – L'Gann was sure he was going to beat him one day and he was going to prove him very wrong. Though, with the way he was fighting lately maybe it would be best to have Canary do training exercises for a while?

Yeah…it would be better. He'd just have to put up with the stares.

He circled to his dorm and quickly called her up, saying he didn't think his stress levels were anywhere near stable enough to do even training – not with L'Gann and his ego at least – and that it would probably be best if she took over training again. She said she'd be there in a moment and thanked him for giving her a straight reason. In truth, he'd given her a half truth. He was more than likely going to do something stupid on that platform and Connor was busy with Sphere and Wolf in the hanger.

Connor wasn't due for training today.

 _Lucky damned bastard_ , he thought bitterly.

The thought began to sink in slowly and Nightwing felt his eyes bug. He'd never thought that way of a teammate before. Not even of Kaldur or Roy when they basically defected. He'd never thought ill of others unless they deserved it. Usually that was the villains he faced, the ones who gave him crap first, the ones who tried to kill him. Those were the people he should be harboring feelings for. Not his team. Not his extended family.

He closed his dorm up, locked himself in, and sat on the bed horrorstricken. He was losing his mind. That had to be it. He was losing his fucking mind. It was bound to happen sooner or later with his lifestyle so it shouldn't have even come as a surprise. All these years…it was probably happening to him sooner than it had to Bruce. Maybe it was just because of what all was going on? That couldn't be the only reason though.

The door began to shake as someone banged a fist against it; hard.

"Nightwing! Get out here!"

Connor…Perfect. Just what I don't need.

"Hey Fearless Leader, come on out," Connor yelled before Nightwing opened the door and yanked him inside. "Touchy."

"What do you want? Other than alerting the entire Cave to my whereabouts?" Nightwing snarled.

"I wanted to know why it was Canary doing practice instead of you."

"I'm not feeling stable enough to not do something stupid," he found himself admitting as the door hissed closed for them. Connor gave him an anxious look which made his nerves twitch and fire off in rage. "Don't give me that look Connor."

"How else am I supposed to look at you? You sound insane."

"Oh thanks for that vote of confidence!"

"You do though," Connor muttered. "You sound absolutely insane what with all this talk about being unstable and the like."

"You've been getting better at talking like normal people Connor; congrats. Now…get out of my dorm and let me sleep."

"Sleep…right. Not happening."

"What?"

"Mission…Didn't you hear Red Tornado and Canary yelling for the computer to turn off the alarms?"

He hadn't. He really hadn't heard them; he'd been so lost in his thoughts. What was happening to him? He'd never missed an alarm before.

_Losing my mind._

"Where?" he asked, trying hard to sound on top of himself.

"We're going to Metropolis…though, Red said something about this involving one of your problem children."

"I'm sure he used those exact words too," Nightwing muttered sarcastically.

"What's up with you? You've been touchier than usual."

"Maybe because I'm not getting enough sleep?"

"I was just asking."

* * *

Simple missions were a thing of the past apparently.

Kaldur – of all the people in the world, it had to be him of all people naturally – was helping smugglers in Metropolis Harbor and had plenty of back up this time. There was no way the Team could be made of all of two people, a super Sphere, and a genetically enhanced wolf. This was a full Team deployment. Everyone had to do something this time.

Nightwing wasn't all that sure who his 'problem child' was but he was sure they were going to be well equipped for this fight.

They usually were.

Alpha Squad was already working on giving them a hole to move through, silently dispatching men – even with Wonder Girl's help it was silent. She'd been learning. Gamma Squad moved in second oddly enough and were working on disabling the ship being used. Others were scattered about to do their own things – Superboy was technically supposed to have Wolf and Sphere with Nightwing but the latter had damn near snapped and had enough sense to get away from them before he really did.

It hadn't taken long for Kaldur to show his face, shouting orders to the crew to get a move on and that they had to hurry unless they wanted company. Too late. They had company and it was planning on keeping them there. Even though Nightwing's side stung sharply at the sight of his friend, he didn't let on that it was. He was on a mission after all; he had no time to be showing weakness or pain. Maybe he would when he was thrown into a wall but until then he wouldn't.

He was slipping across the bow silently when a dull thunk caught his attention. He ducked behind a wooden crate as a door opened, someone with indistinct features exiting and wandering about. His eyes narrowed behind the mask he wore as he watched a rope swing about the person's fingers like they were playfully flipping a can about in an old comedy show. All they were missing was the top hat and the tailed tuxedo coat. Maybe tap shoes too.

The person turned a bit to reveal the rest of the rope. Nightwing's breathing hitched when he saw the hangman's knot that sat like lace ruffles at the man's neck, the noose looped about the slender appendage as if it were a necklace. The man's face looked a bit distorted thanks to the mask he wore but Nightwing could recognize him now; Scarecrow.

 _Fuck…not him…not now_ , Nightwing thought almost desperately as the man wandered up and down the bow. His earwig crackled to life.

"Who's the nut with the noose around his neck?" Lagoon Boy asked like he was unimpressed.

 _Will you please use the telepathic link?_ That was Miss Martian. She sounded irritated.

 _Sorry Angelfish…_ He sounded abashed. _Seriously though who is that guy?_

 _Did you say he has a noose on his neck?_ That was Robin. Nightwing could feel his apprehension. Batgirl felt the same. Nightwing bet he was exhibiting the same unease. Why wouldn't he though? This was Scarecrow and he was losing his damned mind lately.

 _Yes…who is he?_ Lagoon Boy again. He seriously sounded like he was unimpressed with the man on the bow. What a mistake.

 _That…_ Batgirl this time. _That is Scarecrow. Steer clear of him…Nightwing…Where are you?_

 _Shut up…shut up…shut up_ , Nightwing chanted as he hunkered down, his eyes fixed on the man nearly dancing in front of him.

 _Where are you?_ Robin and Batgirl chorused.

_What part of shut up was unclear?_

_All of it._ Superboy was in now. Great. _Where. Are. You?_ His punctuated words actually hurt, Nightwing's head was beginning to ring.

_You see the crate behind him?_

  1. He seemed exasperated with him.



_I'm behind it._

_Nightwing!_ Robin again. He was panicked. Why was he panicked? _Look out!_

There was a hiss, a cloud of gas. Nightwing gasped – stupid – and shot backwards. Scarecrow cackled loudly as Nightwing started to choke on what had just scorched his throat. He heard running footfalls – metal encased footfalls. He dove off the ship into the water, hoping it'd be enough.

 _What the hell did he just do to you?_ Lagoon Boy again, Nightwing could barely see him in the murky water. He didn't remember Metropolis' harbors being quite this dirty.

A finned hand landed on his shoulder as he was putting in a breather. His blood froze, his head turning to see something that was most definitely not his teammate. He struck out, the thing faster than him in the water. His breather was gone, his lungs burning. He shot for the surface.

 _Nightwing! Stay calm…let Lagoon Boy get you!_ Robin again. He didn't sound very calm.

He popped out of the water under what looked like a wood port, gasping and heaving for air. His arms wrapped around a stand, holding it for dear life. Lagoon Boy…no way was he alright with that thing in the water. No way in hell.

 _I'm not getting him!_ Lagoon Boy. So he was okay? Why did he sound so irritated?

 _You have to!_ Batgirl again.

 _He tried to hit me!_ Lagoon Boy, his voice distant _._

 _He what?_ Couldn't tell, too soft. Sounded female though.

_It's the..! You have to get him out …; we've got to…Cave to make…_

Nightwing hugged himself to the stand his breathing getting a bit more erratic as he heard another splash in the distance. There was more cackling too. Had to get of the water. Had to. Whatever it was that he'd seen, it didn't seem friendly. He had to get out of the water. The cackling he could deal with. He didn't have a breather anymore. Cackling he could deal with; that was on dry land – hopefully.

Something caught his ankle. It pulled. He cried out before he was yanked under, mouth filling with water. He struggled, forcing himself to look back. He instantly wished he hadn't.

A delicate hand was holding his ankle, pulling him down with a white knuckle grip. Atlantean markings raced up and down pale arms that were turning a ghostly yellow and green and maybe even blue. Oh they were definitely bluer than anything else; possibly even fucking lavender in this murk. He'd seen bodies that had been underwater for a while; they always looked like that to him. Another hand clawed its way up his leg, pulling him down further. Finally he began to see red hair floating in the water's currents.

Ghostly green eyes stared blindly up at him.

"Why did you let me die Nightwing?" Tula asked, her mouth turning into a sharp toothed roar.

He screamed.


	3. Chapter 3

Superboy barely heard the scream through the deafening water. He heard the thrashing more than the actual act. Lagoon Boy was yelping that he'd found Nightwing again, Kaldur pulling him under the water as he panicked of all things. He could even feel the panic through the telepathic link with Miss Martian.

Nightwing plus panic equals what exactly? He'd never really seen Nightwing panic in all these years. Batman was calm. Nightwing was calm if just a bit more enthusiastic.

Yet, he'd never actually seen him panicked before.

The harbor water was cold for the time of year, the temperature biting through even his tough skin. He could hold his breath longer than most people but he still slipped a breather between his lips in case this got uglier than it already had. Their missions always did this. They always turned a damned bend that made things harder for them. Was it just something about them or was there some sort of deity that didn't like letting them have an easy time.

 _Someone say it_ , he thought darkly as he swam towards Lagoon Boy's position. He spotted a rush of bubbles rising to the surface of the water, followed it down to where Lagoon Boy had whisked Kaldur away from Nightwing. The latter looked like he was struggling to get up but he couldn't breathe anymore; his lungs almost empty of air from his scream. He was sinking slowly, his flailing limbs doing him no good what so ever.

Superboy shot himself through the water as fast he could manage, his arms wrapping around Nightwing's torso leaving the elder boy's arms free. Probably not the best idea but the water slowed him a bit either way. It wasn't as if he would do very much damage to him though. Being half Man of Steel made it a bit difficult for people to land meaningful hits on him. He kicked off the sandy floor as hard as he could to make sure he'd break the surface.

The water was thicker than he'd expected. He ended up kicking with as much force as he dared, the surface not breaking soon enough. Nightwing was hacking and gasping, Superboy holding him as gently as he dared so he could try to catch his breath again. Superboy happened to look up to the ship to find himself staring up at Black Manta worthy guns.

 _Someone say it_ , he thought with irritation.

 _So much for stealth huh_ , Beast Boy managed to chuckle. It was nervous but it was a chuckle. _I got them Superboy_. He swung a giant, green gorilla arm and the gunmen went flying into the railing at the bow. Another swing and the others went to the stern.

 _Get him out of the water Superboy_ , Batgirl called. He glanced around to find her and Robin standing at the pier, faces stricken with worry. There was something in her hand that Superboy couldn't quite get a handle on but he didn't care. He could see her point even without her saying it; with Kaldur in the water, it was too dangerous for a panicking teammate to be stuck in.

The three of them barely managed to get Nightwing out of the water; his writhing and shaky kicks and punches making it more difficult than it had to be. There was a moment when Superboy noticed it was worse than panic; it was fear. That was worse.

_Lagoon Boy, get out of there now!_

_I'm a bit busy Superboy._

_Get out of the water or so help me I'll send Beast Boy after you!_

_Like that's a threat?_

_L'Gann_ , Miss Martian commanded. _Get out of there. The mission's compromised; it's time to leave. We must get out of here and we must get out of here now; Nightwing will need attention anyway._

 _Whatever you say Angelfish_ , he sighed before leaping out of the water. He landed near the Superboy and his struggling companions.

"Looks like you need help there," he said with a smirk. Superboy wanted to glare at him but he already reached for Nightwing's arm.

"I would not do that if I were you, Lagoon Boy," Kaldur nearly cooed from where he was floating in the water.

Lagoon Boy glared at him and bent to get a better hold on the panting hero. He made eye contact with Nightwing for barely a second but it was enough; Nightwing's eyes bugged and he pushed away from him in absolute horror. Superboy barely managed to catch him again as they both fell back into the water. The clone pulled him back up as Lagoon Boy yelped that he didn't do anything to Robin and Batgirl.

Kaldur was laughing cruelly as Superboy struggled to keep his friend near to his body.

"All this fuss over a little bit of gas," Kaldur chuckled. "I'd heard it was strong but I never expected this."

"Neptune's Beard," Lagoon Boy snarled. "What did that sludge _do_ to him?”

"He's hallucinating," Batgirl growled, tired of repeating herself. "Scarecrow makes a weaponized gas that makes you see whatever scares you the most. Sometimes, he makes variations of it to see what they do for the hell of it. We have to get him to a medical bay! Superboy, hold onto him!"

"For someone without powers, he's pretty strong," Superboy growled as he tried to hold his friend close without doing more damage.

"Superboy!" Robin yelped before a wall of water slammed them under the surface. In an instant, Superboy had the breather back between his lips, taking a large gulp before transferring it to his struggling friend. He took solace in the fact that Nightwing took the air greedily. He was still panicking but he was breathing.

Silver lining. Find the silver lining and go with it.

There was a muffled splash above, Lagoon Boy diving in at Kaldur. Superboy glanced up to find Batgirl swimming down to him as well, her cheeks puffed up from holding air. She signaled for him to hurry back to the surface as a green shark slashed through the water at Kaldur as well. He kicked off the floor again, Batgirl following quickly after, her cheeks turning red. He took a gasp of air once he broke the surface again, gently pulling the breather from Nightwing's mouth.

"So what now?" he yelled over the roars and yells a few feet away from them. Batgirl gave him a weak smile before plunging a needle into Nightwing's neck. He cried out from the pain and tried to get away again.

"Tranquilizer dart," she huffed. "Dead weight's a lot easier to move than writhing, trained muscle."

"Get up here," Robin warned as he let a hand down for Batgirl's. Miss Martian and Wonder Girl had finally shown up to help pull Superboy and his load out of the murky water. They set him down carefully on the pier, glancing at a fading Nightwing with worry in their eyes.

"He looks pale," Wonder Girl commented.

"The gas can do that sometimes," Batgirl explained quickly. "Superboy, please, use the Super-cycle to get him to the Cave. There aren't any Zeta tubes nearby enough to get him to help."

"I got it," Superboy muttered as he hefted the limp body in his arms bridal style. He whistled and Sphere shot out of her hiding spot, Wolf trailing after her and leaping into his seat at speed. "I'll get him to the League."

"Thanks," Robin said softly. He nodded and leapt into the cycle. "Miss Martian, you're on point! Get everyone out; now!"

"Right away!"

* * *

Atom and Red Tornado had not been very pleased when Connor had shown up with an unconscious Nightwing strapped into the back seat of the cycle. Of course, to find that they also had to try to find a cure for a fear inducing gas with hardly any warning beforehand made them understandably irritable, crabby, and a bit panicked.

Batgirl and Robin arriving with a canister of something almost made them explode – until they explained it was the fear gas from Scarecrow himself and that it could probably help with the making of an antidote. Usually, it would have meant almost nothing to Connor but Nightwing had woken up then, his terrified screams filling the Cave.

They'd been forced to put him in four-point limb restraints.

Wally wasn't happy when he called to tell him what was going on – the news already had him and Artemis in a frenzy of questions, both of them shouting over their speaker phone. To know it was Blank Manta's men along with a Gotham criminal had been hard enough to hear and watch for them. The fact that Artemis' sister – of all people – had called her to ask if she knew anything had been a shock to say the very least.

_"She even gave us a number to call her back on," Artemis had said. "Do you know anything? Was anyone…hurt?"_

He'd heard Wally slam a fist into a wall when he said Nightwing had been hit with Scarecrow gas. Artemis had stifled a gasp or two but he'd heard it none the less, even through the phone speakers. There was hardly anything he couldn't hear anymore but sometimes, he wished he didn't hear so well. They asked him to keep them in the loop. He didn't make an all-out promise though; he knew where those got people.

He'd only called Wally and Artemis to make sure they at least knew that a friend was…'sick' wasn't a strong enough word but he wasn't sure how harmful the gas could be so 'sick' would have to do…He hadn't expected to hang up the phone to find that Canary had shown up and had ordered Nightwing be moved to the Watch Tower.

_"Why are you moving him?" Robin had cried. "Isn't the med-bay here good enough?"_

_"It's perfectly fine…" Canary murmured her eyes sad._

_"It is…adequate," Red Tornado stated as Atom moved to gently press the two Bat Family Members back. "However…there are others who live here who are…not accustomed to this gas'…affects."_

Connor had pulled them back and whispered in their ears, "Do you want everyone else to hear those screams or do you want the more discreet adults to be the ones with the nightmares?" They'd quieted then, their faces worried for their teammate. He made sure they were turned away so they wouldn't see Canary and Tornado move him to the Zeta tube unconscious on a gurney, his wrists and ankles wrapped in leather restraints that were wrapped under the gurney.

The Team arrived shortly after to find Batgirl and Robin holding back tears, their shoulders shaking like the earth in devastating quakes with Connor holding them together and Wolf whining and nudging for attention and comfort.

He damn near killed L'Gann when he asked how Nightwing was. Really? How the hell could he possibly be considering the closest people to him were near crying? What a stupid question! Wolf had snarled at him while Connor simply glared and ushered the two to a private room where they could vent their feelings to each other.

As the steel door closed, he thought back to what he'd said to Nightwing weeks – had it really been that long already – ago about how he'd always remind him that he was a leader of a team. It was a bit disturbing to know that Kaldur, their last leader, had become what he was. He'd begun to fear for Nightwing and his actions far before the thing with Bane. He'd never voiced it though.

And now look where they were. Nightwing was hallucinating and was going to be down for a few weeks (he suspected that was only if they were lucky), six of the League's number were off world in a court martial, and there were more plots happening worldwide than there probably had been in the last ten years all because of the Light. They'd lost many to them and had no real clue about them either – a losing position in his eyes.

However, he saw losing friends as far worse than not knowing his enemy. Friends were more important than knowing what an enemy could do or was capable of – even if not knowing those particular details could be a real hindrance in any respect. He learned the hard way that his family consisted of the Team, the League, and Superman. Even now though, the Team found that precedence. It'd been the Team that had taken him in, treated him like he was normal, taught him how to act like he was, and even encouraged him.

He'd had to prove himself to Superman more than anyone else but he'd managed it in the end partly because of the Team's stubbornness issues.

Now…Wally had quit, Artemis seemed to only be seen around him, Roy hated himself because of Cadmus using him like a sleeper agent, Kaldur had gone bad when Aquagirl was killed on a mission, M'Gann was with someone else who irritated the hell out of him, and Nightwing was unavailable thanks to a fear inducing gas.

He waited for the soft sobs to soften to quiet tears and then to grieving silence, not full understanding why they were crying so hard. Sure, Nightwing had made a point of telling idiots who thought they were his worst nightmares that they had no idea what his nightmares were like but surely they couldn't be that bad…could they? Wolf was lying against the opposite wall, eyes fixed on the door, ears twitching as the two fell silent.

Connor didn't need his thermal vision to know they were holding each other.

He stepped away from the door when he heard them wipe their eyes and adjust their masks and capes, sniffing a bit and making sure they looked less grief stricken – "Your cheeks are red…here this'll make 'em look normal again." "You're the one with puffy eyes…here." – to at least make it to the Zeta tube to head home. Wolf followed him silently, his paws barely making any sound on the tiled floors. He managed to get around a corner before he heard the door open, the two leaving together, hands clasped together as they used each other for support.

They were still sniffing.

* * *

_"Connor…can you come to the Watch Tower for a bit?"_

Life changing words. It wasn't like Superman's saying they'd figure something out or Batman saying they'd be a team, or Canary's explaining his short comings in fighting skills. It wasn't Robin or Batgirl they called either; it was _him_.

Canary had sounded saddened.

"Hey," Connor said after the Zeta Tube ended its tirade of recognizing him, Canary and Green Arrow there to greet him. Both looked sad but Arrow somehow managed to look absolutely livid about whatever was making him sad.

"Hello Connor," Canary sighed. She waved him to follow and he did so, hands in his jean pockets. He was still amazed at the wildlife preserve up there, birds flying around like they were back on Earth rather than in space.

"So…why am I up here?" he asked as gently as he could manage.

It was harder than he expected; Nightwing's week off getting to him more than he'd thought possible. Robin and Batgirl hadn't been back to the Cave save for scheduled practices. They hadn't talked to anyone in the team other than snappish retorts and gave everyone mean looks if someone – usually L'Gann – said the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Or right time depending on how one looked at the situation.

Wally and Artemis had been calling more often than they usually would, asking for the same thing every time they got through. If someone besides him picked up they'd ask for him then ask if he'd heard anything about Nightwing. If they got him automatically, they cut to the chase. He never had anything to say other than he was on the Watch Tower in the care of Atom and Red Tornado. It was never really enough but they seemed to understand that he was getting about as much information as he was giving.

Nothing.

"Nightwing was given a hopeful antidote a couple of days ago," Canary explained, a slight smile hitting her face finally. Arrow was suddenly grumbling about her word choice. Connor could relate; what'd she mean by _hopeful_ antidote?

"How'd it take?" he asked, interested in what she had to say. Actually, he was sort of hoping that she had something good to say like the _hopeful_ antidote worked. Maybe Nightwing was better than he'd ever been?

"It…took…"

Why was he sensing a ' _but_ '?

"Yeah, it took," Arrow growled. "He's just refusing to talk to anyone but you."

Why did he sound so condescending? It wasn't like Connor hadn't gone to Nightwing before as something of a confidant or an advisor. Given, usually he would have gone to M'Gann but she had her own confidant now and he'd had to find another person who'd listen and give – hopefully – useful advice.

Nightwing had sort of taken that role as team leader but he was always a brother to Connor.

"Alright…so I'm going to-?" He let the sentence hang in the air to poke at them. He wanted to know what they wanted, what they expected of him.

"Talk him into getting out of the tower and going home to reassure Robin and Batgirl that he's alright," Canary suggested.

"Talk him into a smile if you can," Arrow jabbed in. "He's been extremely depressing the past two days."

A smile? Connor tried to not frown too much at that expectation. Nightwing didn't smile very often lately. He'd been blaming it on a lack of sleep, an amount of unbelievable stress, and even slight irritation with the current situation.

Connor knew better though.

He'd gotten worse after Kaldur nearly killed him, showing up a couple days later with a darker cloud hanging over him. The cloud got darker every time someone mentioned Roy, every time someone mentioned Kaldur. He'd seen it get a bit darker when it was obvious that Nightwing had seen his reminding looks. He'd tried to not vocally say "you're the leader now so pull yourself together" even though he'd promised he would since the looks seemed to only irritate his friend further.

"I'll…try," he murmured. They gave him encouraging smiles before leaving him in a room with his friend.

Sterile white. Sterile gray. Sterile everything.

And despite it all, Nightwing still looked ill, his shirt, gloves, pads, belt, and boots lying on a nearby chair, his legs covered by a white blanket, and his back propped against the wall with a pillow between it and his skin. His mask was still on his face. A bandage was taped onto his chest. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping. His wrists were bruised, turning a yellow green.

"You look like hell," Connor blurted out.

"Nice to see you too," Nightwing shot back, his voice cracking a bit. He raised a hand to touch it gingerly with a wince before he glared at the clone. "Don't make me yell…I've been doing enough of that lately."

"I'd bet." Another well-earned glare. "What?"

"You're an ass…don't even know why I wanted you to come here anymore."

"That makes two of us then," Connor muttered. He didn't want to look at his friend's scarred body but his blue eyes kept falling to a star shaped scar on his right side. It looked older than some scars but new than others.

He had to learn how to age scars better.

Nightwing was watching the mostly black sky outside the window, his lips twitching a bit every so often as if he were remembering something funny or comforting. Connor stepped closer to him, quietly pulling up a chair. He had a feeling he'd be there for a while so he may as well get comfortable. What the hell was he supposed to talk about anyway?

As he sat, he began to notice some things he hadn't from his previous post at the door. There were tear streaks radiating about Nightwing's mask for one. Some fell down his cheeks naturally while others fell towards his ears and hairline like he'd been lying down while he'd been crying. There were also signs that he'd been given a gag, barely visible bruises at the corners of his mouth speaking volumes. He'd been put in restraints, had to be gagged, and whatever it was that he'd been seeing had been bad enough to make him cry.

Blue eyes fell back to the star shaped scar, finding a matching line or two spreading out from Nightwing's back.

He frowned. That couldn't be right? Not unless…Shit…A through and through? No…it wasn't a bullet wound; it was too jagged. How had he gotten it though? A torso wound like that would have put him out of action for weeks. Where'd he gotten from? What kind of weapon? When'd he get it?

As fun as it was to wonder over a scar, Connor remembered he still had to at least try to talk to his friend, his teammate, his brother.

"What'd the gas make you see?"

Nightwing stiffened, mask more white than black when he stared at Connor. The young Kryptonian could understand the expression. He'd come in with the question out of the blue, his own thoughts not even sure where it'd come from. He just had a feeling that it was a necessary question; it had to be asked. Nightwing had to talk about it.

Now was the best time to ask right?

"I…I don't want to talk about that right now Connor," Nightwing mumbled, his hands fisting in the sheets, his body tensing as if he expected a fight.

"Nightwing…" Connor growled, catching himself barely. "Fine…what'd you want to talk about then huh?"

"Nothing Team oriented. I need a break physically and mentally."

"Kind of hard considering you were on a mission that got you put into restraints. I can see the tear streaks on your cheeks too by the way so don't even try to act like this didn't strike a few nerves. You've got Batgirl, Robin, Canary, Wally, Artemis, the Team, and _Roy and Cheshire_ worried over you too by the way!"

"Roy and Cheshire…." he mumbled, his expression distant.

"You're not paying attention anymore are you?"

"You sure those two are _worried_ about me?"

"They called Artemis," Connor muttered with an annoyed look on his face. "Well, to be correct, Cheshire called Artemis who's with Wally hence why they almost called me. _I'm_ the one keeping them in the loop – which is harder than it looks since the League' being about as helpful with this as anything else they help with."

"Not keeping the kids in the loop as usual," was the mumbled comment.

"Pretty much," Connor muttered softly. "As far as they understand, you're ill from a fear inducing gas but you're in the best of care." He had to try to not share an agreeing snort, Nightwing shaking his head a bit weakly. "Any way…I'm sure that's all Roy and Jade know since I think it's Wally and Artemis – mostly Artemis – who are keeping them updated with whatever I could give them."

"Which was naturally not much?"

"Exactly. I still want to know what you saw while you in the water though. It's still bugging me how you reacted when Lagoon Boy tried to help you onto the pier…like you'd seen a monster."

"So much for not making me talk about the Team," Nightwing muttered.

"It's not really the team I have you talking about though is it? It's about your hallucinations."

"Hallucinations I had on a _Team mission_ you mean?"

"I'd like to know what L'Gann turned into. I want to rub it in if I can."

"Let's just say I thought I saw a sea monster that'd make him look like an exotic pet fish."

Connor had to blink for a moment. "Really?"

"Do you _have_ to sound so excited?" Nightwing croaked.

"Something that makes him look like an exotic pet fish? That's hilarious!"

"Not really."

Connor relented. "Though…that couldn't be the only thing you saw. I mean Kaldur pulled you underwater after you took a shot at L'Gann the first time; that was when all hell really broke loose."

"I tried to hit L'Gann?"

"Yeah. Right after you dove into the water. Guess the gas was fast acting?"

"Guess so…What's this about… _Kaldur_ pulling me underwater?"

"You suggesting it was someone else? L'Gann swore it was Kaldur."

Nightwing swallowed thickly, that tenseness returning to his shoulders. His hands fisted the blankets again and he turned his eyes back to the window, his heartbeat quickening.

"Nightwing?"

"It was…Kaldur? You're sure?"

"Positive – Beast Boy was an extra witness. We had to pull him off you." His blue eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"Because I didn't _see_ Kaldur. I saw…something…some _one_ else."

"Who?" Another thick gulp. "Come on…tell me."

Nightwing's hand fell to the scar on his side, knuckles and skin turning white as he gripped it. His blunt nails started to leave red lines as his hand tried to turn into a fist. One started to draw blood.

"Nightwing stop." Connor's hand gripped Nightwing's in a gentle, firm hold, lifting it away from his side. Blue eyes flooded with worry as he looked at the scar, the small trail of blood, the trembling hand. "Nightwing…" He glanced up to see Nightwing gritting his teeth, shoulders quaking. "Talk to me…please."

"…You…remember the mission that…Tula died on…right?"

Connor didn't answer aloud, his head bobbing once, eyes sad. Yeah, he remembered. He also remembered Nightwing being out of commission for a few weeks around that time too. He mentally shook himself and listened to Nightwing's hiccupping, panicky, breathy explanation.

"…She…There was…an explosion…" There'd been a few actually. Connor knew that already. "I…she…the place was…unstable…old…we found something…had to…take care of it…"

His right hand lifted to his temple, his eyes squeezed shut. Connor held onto his right hand. He'd read the reports but no one really knew who'd been on the mission any more. It was just a bit too taboo to speak of it.

"An explosion…it…it went off near me…"

_You-? You were there?_

"…I was thrown backwards…onto a rebar…it was sharp from…prior damage…Tula had to…cut it so I could be moved…we couldn't…take it out of me or…or I would have…bled out…"

 _So…this scar_ , Connor found himself thinking as his eyes fell to the matching star shaped scars that sat nestled near Nightwing's abdominals and in his lower back.

"…I told her to…to leave it…"

Connor's head had already put two and two together but hearing it none the less made his head shoot back up to watch as Nightwing began to crumple into a ball. His knees were rising to his chest, his back bending as his shoulders seemed to collapse towards his sternum, his head bending down.

"She…she didn't… _wouldn't_ …listen to me….She…"

Connor lifted himself out of the chair to sit on the bed before his friend, his right hand still gripping Nightwing's as his left reached to pull down Nightwing's free hand. Nightwing's body was trembling worse than Robin and Batgirl's had combined. His bangs shadowed his face as his tried to not cry, soft grunts and moans escaping through his clenched teeth. His breathing grew more erratic and Connor was suddenly thankful that he wasn't hooked up to monitors – Canary would skin him alive.

"She went back in," he finished for Nightwing. "She knew the risks. We all do."

"…You sound like me; trying to justify a death," Nightwing scoffed. "Not easy is it?"

"It's not supposed to be…" His hands slipped Nightwing's into one, the other lifting to cup the side of Nightwing's head in a brotherly manner. He lifted it a bit so he could see what may be going through his friend's head. "If it's easy to justify then you're worse off than most of the criminals we know."

"…She promised…"

Connor lifted a brow in confusion. "What'd she promise?"

"…That she'd be alright…"

Connor felt his insides twist a bit at the confession. _He was tearing himself apart because she gave a promise she couldn't keep, he thought bitterly. It's like when I thought Superman would never look at me with any sort of care; all because others gave empty promises that it'd only take time. It didn't help that Luthor said he'd never like me since I was made at Cadmus._

"She couldn't have known it'd go that far south Nightwing," he soothed, his thumb brushing away a tear. "You and I both know our missions never really go as planned."

"Quit trying to make me feel better…it won't work…not after…" He trailed off to silence.

"Not after what?"

A moment of nervous silence.

"You're sure it was _Kaldur_ who pulled me under the water?"

"Yes." He was getting exasperated. How many times would he have to say this?

"I…I saw…Tula holding my ankle…not Kaldur."

" _Tula_?"

Nightwing nodded. "I know it was the gas but…I saw her…I _heard_ her voice Connor!"

He was gripping Connor's shirt with a scary desperation that Connor had never seen in him before. Connor stared at him, at a loss for words.

"I _heard_ her Kon! She asked me…she asked me why I let her die! The gas has never done that before! How am I supposed to react to this damn it? What am I supposed to _do_?"

 His grip tightened but it was shaking as much as his croaking voice. His expression was stricken in fear, desperate for help, for advice, for a parent, for comfort. Connor could barely believe what he was seeing, what he was hearing.

Yet he was seeing and hearing a panicked, petrified, desperate Nightwing.

It made his blood freeze and boil. How dare someone scare one of his stable teammates? How dare this happen to one of his friends? How dare this happen to one of his family?

Instead of saying anything, he sat up on his knees and pulled Nightwing to him, nestling his head in the crook of his shoulder. His arm wrapped around Nightwing's back to keep him close as the hand he'd had on the human's cheek weaved into his raven hair.

"You talk to someone who'll listen," he whispered into Nightwing's ear. "Then…you let your emotions run you until they calm down enough that you can be in charge again." Nightwing shook his head weakly, his shoulders shaking again. Connor simply waited like he had with Nightwing's adopted siblings.

It didn't take long for the tears to race down his cheeks again, his voice cracking with each lung wrenching sob. He let his friend, his brother, let himself release whatever feelings he had been holding in for god only knew how long in silence. It was the only thing he could do for him now. All he could do was let him purge his emotions onto someone who wouldn't think less of him, who wouldn't judge.

_My real brother is off planet, my genomorph brothers aren't talking to me now, and now my adoptive brother is suffering from something I couldn't stop…the least I can do is be here for him when he needs me._

"Time to let go," he whispered. "It's alright to let go."


End file.
